When I started getting into baseball 6 or 7 years ago I got really attached to all of the Red Sox players. When some of those players started getting traded I had to learn to not get so attached. Not that I don't love Big Papi and I miss Terry as the manager (and Youk who actually just got traded this week) but, you can't get too attached, right?
I'm finally learning to do the same thing with electronics. I might be a little late in figuring this one out, but when you buy something that plugs in, has batteries, or a Wi-Fi connection of any kind, you better believe it's not going to last forever. No matter how much research and preparation I do to find a good buy.
We're in the market for a new lap top (mine currently sounds like it's getting ready for lift-off at any moment), a new digital camera (this was my fault, I don't do a great job at keeping mine in it's case and the price to clean out the lens isn't really cost effective for a camera a few years old), and a new iPhone -make that 2 new phones, mine is in worse shape than Justin's (only part of the screen works most of the time) but we both need a new one and we'd like it to have that FaceTime for as much as Justin's away from the kids. There's probably a few other items on the list, but nothing too serious.
I don't want a new computer right now... my argument is since it's only going to last 2 or 3 years anyway... why not wait until mine completely craps out. Everything worth saving is on DropBox now (a $1900 lesson learned when our Media Drive crashed) and our external hard drive, and I really don't even use my favorites bar in the browser much since Pinterest. So... I can wait on that one, and lessen the risk of anything happening to it while Justin is deployed.
The phone... kind of the same thing. At least for me. Neither one of us really needs the latest and greatest, so if my phone can limp along until the next new thing comes out... it makes the second to newest thing cheaper, and I'm fine with whatever that is.
And the camera? Well... I need a new camera. I'm trying to take more pictures with my actual camera instead of my iPhone and when all of the photo's come out with spots it kind of defeats of the purpose. But, I'm not looking for the next greatest product in point and shoots this time. (I may have found it with the one that my mom just got, anyway). The one I'll probably get is about double the price of the repair on my current camera, but about half the price that I paid for said camera. That's a good happy compromise, I think. Especially since I'll probably be buying a new one in a few years anyway.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Zoo's, Camping, and Parks -oh my!
Busy couple of summer weeks for me and the kids (and a few other family members sprinkled in there as well).
We went to the zoo with Jodi a couple of weeks ago. First time seeing the new exhibit with the polar bears and sea lions and everything. I think Jodi and I liked the animals more than the kids did, they seem to get bored easily and want to move on the next thing pretty quickly.
We went to the annual Brown Family Reunion. Denise's mom is a Brown and this was the families 50th reunion! Pretty impressive. It was a super nice camp ground, with regular bathrooms and even a shower. Grass and tree's and only about a mile from Midway, which is only an hour away -which may have been the best part! The kids loved their time and Hryum loved his Grandpa Lafeen time- which included fishing, riding his ATV and generally being followed around and playing with him non-stop.
The one good nap Kate got was driving around Midway on Saturday.
Playing in a little kiddie pool.
Walking around on his bike, waiting for Grandpa Lafeen to get back.
I made cheesecake's in a jar for the auction.
Most of our stuff from the van after the trip. Let the laundry begin.
Today we went downtown to the Gallivan Center for a free Radio Disney thing. It was mostly a promotional thing with a whole bunch of companies that had free stuff for kids, along with a couple of bonce houses, balloon animals, face painting, and some little girls dancing on stage. We went with some friends and it was a little chaotic, but fun.
Tonight we went to a nearby park with a new splash pad for Laila's birthday party. Hyrum got good and wet and Kate was content with getting her hands and feet a little wet. She's a bit timid around water and getting wet and cold.
We went to the zoo with Jodi a couple of weeks ago. First time seeing the new exhibit with the polar bears and sea lions and everything. I think Jodi and I liked the animals more than the kids did, they seem to get bored easily and want to move on the next thing pretty quickly.
We went to the annual Brown Family Reunion. Denise's mom is a Brown and this was the families 50th reunion! Pretty impressive. It was a super nice camp ground, with regular bathrooms and even a shower. Grass and tree's and only about a mile from Midway, which is only an hour away -which may have been the best part! The kids loved their time and Hryum loved his Grandpa Lafeen time- which included fishing, riding his ATV and generally being followed around and playing with him non-stop.
Justin and his giant bubble making.
Today we went downtown to the Gallivan Center for a free Radio Disney thing. It was mostly a promotional thing with a whole bunch of companies that had free stuff for kids, along with a couple of bonce houses, balloon animals, face painting, and some little girls dancing on stage. We went with some friends and it was a little chaotic, but fun.
Tonight we went to a nearby park with a new splash pad for Laila's birthday party. Hyrum got good and wet and Kate was content with getting her hands and feet a little wet. She's a bit timid around water and getting wet and cold.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Book Review: ScreamFree Parenting
I belong to a small book club. We meet (nearly) every month and take turns picking the books and hosting each other (and our small children) in our homes. This next month (technically it's for June, we're taking May off since one of us is moving and another one of us just had a baby) we're each reading a parenting book of choice to doing a 'book report' of sorts to each other. Kind of a cool idea, I think.
Anyway, I've started reading mine and writing down a few notes. This is in NO means any kind of endorsement of the book I chose (I'm currently on page 8 and have no idea if I'll like it or would recommend it to anyone) but I thought it might be helpful to keep an outline and notes on paper (computer). And, since many of the 3 or so of you that read my blog also have children, I chose to write it here, instead of in a Word document. So... here goes.
Title: ScreamFree Parenting: Raising your kids by keeping your cool.
Author: Hal Edward Runkel, LMFT
SECTION ONE: Becoming the "Cool" Parent your kids really Need
-All about calming all of our reactive responses (screaming or disengaging) to anxiety about our kids and their choices.
-Focus more on yourself (parents) and less on the kids
CHAPTER ONE: Parenting is not about the kids, it's about the parents
"The greatest thing you can do for your kids is learn to focus on yourself" p.7
-Faulty relationship model -focusing on meeting other peoples needs. Question: Should you focus your energy on things you cannot control (others)? Q: Can you control your kids? And, even if you could, should you?
"Emotional reactivity is our worst enemy when it comes to having great relationships" p. 11
-The greatest thing we can do for our kids is concentrate on what we have control over -ourselves.
-"We have a far greater responsibility TO our children than we have FOR our children." p. 14 In other words, we are not responsible for our children's choices, but we have profound influence over them.
-'Screaming" in this book includes, screaming, manipulating, using violence, as well as neglecting, avoiding and even withholding love.
"I am responsible TO my children for how I relate with my children" p. 17
CHAPTER TWO: Growing up is hard to do, especially for grown-ups.
-Parenting is a hard job (duh). The anxiety we feel towards what kind of parents we are are and what are kids are becoming or doing is normal, and okay. "If we're really listening for the signals, then our anxiety about loved ones speaks of a live, growing passion, a deep concern and care for that person." p. 31
-Although anxiety is normal and okay, we need to recognize it and prevent ourselves from (over)reacting emotionally because of it. "Remember, emotional reactivity has the uncanny ability of helping to create the very outcome you're hoping to prevent." p.32
CHAPTER THREE: If you're not under control, then you cannot be in charge.
-You can't blame others (your children) for your emotions -or how you react to them. "Learning to be 'under control' means taking responsibility for your decisions before, during and after you make them... Your emotional responses are up to you. You always have a choice." p. 40
-"To be 'in charge' as a parent means inspiring your children to motivate themselves". p.42
-When you're 'screaming' at your kids, the message that you are sending is that you need them to calm you down, or that you need them to comply so you can calm down. That's a lot of pressure for a 4 or 14 year old to feel. However, in order to be in charge, you need to calm yourself down.
SECTION TWO: Keeping your cool means creating Space
-Next section talks about boundaries, "Your boundaries refer to your space and your place." p. 58 Space is your emotional and physical territory and Place is the limits of your freedom -as it bumps up against other people's space.
-"As parents, it is our responsibility to our children to create and maintain a family environment that encourages and honors this pace, for each person in the family." p. 59
CHAPTER FOUR: Begin with the end in mind, but let go of the final results.
-Although parents are the most powerful influence in the lives and children, they are also not responsible for the choices of their children. "We are not responsible for our children, we are responsible to them" p. 64
-The author asks to imagine your youngest child at the age of 25 and asks specific questions about their life, their family, their accomplishments and character. He also asks you to imagine yourself at that age and what your life will be like and the relationships you have with your children. "Thoughtful wishing" (a CS Lewis term) not so much wishful thinking. "By intentionally focusing on the outcome we desire for tomorrow, we encourage ourselves to take the most effective actions today" p. 68\
-Letting go of the final results does not mean giving up or not caring and trying, but creating an environment where your children make their own decisions and become 'self-directed' adults. So their choices are their own. It's not something you can do for your child, they have to do it themselves.
-In order for our children to become self directed adults, we need to first be one. And then calming our anxiety's about the choices they make, teaching them the principles of life and then letting them decide whether or not to accept and follow them.
CHAPTER FIVE: Kids need their room
-The author defines 'space' as the physical personal space as well as your emotional freedom to explore different feelings. It includes "our inner space for self-reflection, self-definition, and self-understanding". p.78
-In saying kids need their room, he is not saying children each need their own literal room in a home, but room in a physical and emotional space that kids need to fully become themselves. "Without space to learn their own likes and dislikes, without space to make their own mistakes, our kids continue to live a borrowed life and it leaves them with but two choices -fight against everyone's efforts to determine their life (the rebellious child) or simply defer to everyone around them (the passive, robotic child." p.80
-Many parents are against 'closed doors' -in a physical sense in their home. The author asks when is it okay to teach about privacy and recognize children need their own space. By teaching your daughter about personal space, it gives a model of how she should be treated. Encourage her to close her door and knock when you want to enter. Teach her that 'you should respect yourself', and offer respect to her first.
-You cannot tell your children how to feel (it's not respecting their space). "It's not your job to change the hearts of your children, telling them how to think and feel" p.84. This goes for helping them be happy all of the time, and wanting them to feel sad or remorseful if they've done something wrong.
-"What is always behind our invasion of their space is, of course, our own anxious reactivity." p.85
-8 Ways to Create Space for Your Children
1. Respect their space and privacy.
2. Calm your anxiety about their messy room.
3. Respect their choices. Give an allowance and let the child spend it any way they want to. Give them options (saving, [tithing] spending, investing, etc) but let them do with it what they choose.
4. Calm your anxiety by giving up your need to know how they feel. "This doesn't mean neglect any concern about their feelings...the less you need to know, the more they end up telling you."
5. Similarly, give up your need to know 'why'. "Asking any child, from toddler to teenager, to account for his motivation at the time of his mistake is a fruitless exercise... And your need to know is much about you than it is about him." p.90
6. Let them struggle.
7. Allow your kids to disagree with you and learn to respect their arguments.
8. Rarely look your kids in the eye when talking with them. "I know this sounds absurd and even heretical. Eye to eye conversations are incredibly intimate, however, and bring about high levels of vulnerability. Thus, these type of conversations lend themselves to patterns of intimidation and defensiveness." p.91
CHAPTER SIX: Resistance if futile; practice judo parenting
-"When children exert their will, most parents view it as a direct challenge to their authority." p. 97 A different way to think of these challenges (instead of battles) is, "in your child's developing growth, he is constantly testing you. In doing so, he is not plotting an invasion or laying an ambush. He, instead, is testing you to see if you can be trusted... so that he can see if you are dependable, stable, and consistent" p. 98
-The author talks about 'not picking up the gauntlet' when small challenges begin. And ask yourself, "How can I employ my child's desires for motivation, connection, and discipline?" p. 100 Examples:
*I'm bored. Instead of listing things to do, or reprimanding child for being bored or complaining about it, respond like, "Wow, you're bored? That stinks. I hate it when I'm bored. What are you going to do about it?" p. 101
*Are we there yet? "Wow, you're already asking that question? You must really not want to be in the car today" Show empathy. "Come to think about it, I don't want to be in the car either."
*I can't do my homework. Homework hovering -it's difficult for the hoverer to see is that the very act of hovering makes the problem worse. "Our children's homework is supposed to make them struggle. It is designed to be difficult for them. Calm yourself down, and let them struggle. Let them invite you alongside to help them through the struggle, but do not try to 'be there for them'. p. 103
*I hate you. A good question to ask yourself is, "What can I do differently to begin repairing this relationship? And how can I do it without losing my cool, getting reactive, and simply making things worse." p. 104. This is geared towards older kids, where this is more ongoing problem. There isn't any suggestions on kids that just yell this out during an argument.
*I don't wanna do it and I'm not gonna do it. Ask yourself, "Why do I take this personally when he asserts his will? Do I feel threatened? Is he out of my control. How far is he going to take this?" p. 105 "Emotional reactivity simply creates more emotional reactivity." I possible, let the situation alone for a few minutes and return to offer him a choice. He can ___ (come inside, clean room, eat dinner, etc) or face a consequence and it's totally his choice.
-Why should our children obey us? We should want them to do for themselves -not just to please us. To switch from the 'responsible for' model to the 'responsible to' model you have to ask yourself a few questions. "What motivates our children. What do they really want? What questions can I ask that will help them discover and explore those desires instead of picking up their gauntlets and going head-to-head." p. 107.
CHAPTER SEVEN: You are not a Prophet (and neither is Grandma)
-This chapter is about the language that we use as parents. Don't give your child labels -negative or positive. "Labels are among the most powerful forces that shape our relationship with the world." p.117 And, you cannot predict how your child will turn out based on physical, mental, or emotional characteristics. "Whenever we label our children, even in innocent recognition of certain characteristics, we severely limit their space. We risk crating a permanent handicap to their future development." p. 118
-Another example of this is the 'self-fulfilling prophecy'. "We love to categorize, compare and contrast. For some reason, it helps parents and our extended families feel as if we know our children... Because in our anxiety, we love to prophesy, to categorize, and to label. It helps us give some structure to our world. It helps us to feel involved, on top of things and capable of handling whatever unknowns lie around the corner." p.120
-"What you say about your kids is more important than what you say to them." p. 121 Parents need to the fight the urge to label our kids (even positive labels) which stunt their personal development. Allow them to create their own uniqueness. This definitely includes comparing them to siblings and not allowing others to categorize them.
-Change your vocabulary. Take out words like; 'always', 'never', 'all the time', and 'constantly'. You can replace them with, 'can be'.
-Expect your kids to surprise you. This doesn't mean you are naive about their limitations or becoming relaxed in the face of behavioral problems, but we must continually fight for their right to always change.
-Become an advocate for your Child's Evolution. Refuse to allow extended family to label your kids, constantly search for their best traits and choices.
-Leave your mom and dad. (don't rely on them for everything, including parenting advice).
-Know when to say when. Recognize that our need to label and categorize our kids is really OUR need to show ourselves and others where are kids really belong. They really belong to themselves and when "we pigeonhole them into a certain pattern of behavior, we limit their ultimate potential.
SECTION THREE: Keeping your cool means creating a Place
Space refers to our relationship with ourselves and Place refers to our relationship with others.
CHAPTER EIGHT: Parents set the table by setting the tone (and visa versa)
-"Stability and structure are necessary components in a healthy home." p. 138 Parents need to create clearly defined roles, a hierarchy in terms of authority and an understanding of choices available and the consequences to those choices. This is the business side of parenting -setting bedtimes, providing meals, routines, schedules, clothing, etc.
-How to keep the two sides of parenting separate and balanced. "As you learn to calm yourself, it is far easier to operate out of your principals." p. 140 If you're not acting like you need your children's compliance in order to feel like the leader or parent (by trying to give them their space), putting them in the place should not come across as an authoritarian power trip.
-Setting the table means focusing on yourself first. If a certain behavior is happening over and over again, it's easy to focus on the other person, but a pattern always involves more than one person. "If you're experiencing a pattern with your child, then guess what? Somehow you're contributing to the ongoing behavior." p. 142
-The author warns against 'friendship parenting'. In undermines the parents as a position of authority. "Once the parents begin looking to the children to fill any sort of emotional need, the children can no longer look to the parents for stability or guidance." p. 144
-"Your ability to calm yourself down, even while your children seemingly go out of control, is the best way to 'set the table'." p. 149
CHAPTER NINE: Let the consequences do the screaming
-"The more our children are exposed to the small consequences of their small infractions, the less they will have to commit large infractions and experience large consequences". p. 159 Look for natural and logical consequences.
-"How do you balance protecting your kids from life's dangers and yet exposing them to life's lessons?" p. 160 The answer changes with each child and each stage of life.
-"Calming ourselves down while we watch our children choose poorly is about as difficult as it gets. It's also our most important task if we are to retain any influence in our relationships with our kids.
CHAPTER TEN: Empty threats are really broken promises
-Communication (in general) consists of two parts, what get's said (actual words spoken or written) and what get's received (the entire message and it's effect on the relationship of those involved).
-Don't make empty threats or broken promises on anything. Ever. It
-Be consistent.
1. Don't ever set a consequence that is tougher for you to enforce than it is for them to endure.
2. There are no shortcuts to setting or enforcing consequences.
3. Only choose consequences you are willing to enforce. "What you do is not nearly as important as how and why." p. 176 What is your motivation (for said consequence)? If you're using a particular consequence and you don't want to, you are not acting with integrity.
4. Only choose consequences you are willing to endure yourself.
SECTION FOUR: Putting yourself into practice
ScreamFree parenting isn't about getting it right, or perfect, or even a set of specific techniques, it's about a constant journey of learning and growing.
CHAPTER ELEVEN: Put on your own oxygen mask first
-Author tells a story about a couple coming home from China with their new adopted baby. With 87 other sets of parents and babies! (Could you imagine that flight!)
-Take care of yourself, it isn't selfish or self-absorbed, and it doesn't mean you neglect the needs of others. "What would it really look like to love your kids as little as you love yourself?"
-Four levels of love, as described by a french monk, Bernard of Clairveaux, in "The Four Degrees (or Levels) of Love p. 195
1. I love me for my benefit. "I care for my interests alone and I am only interested in results that immediately and ultimately benefit me".
2. I love you for my benefit. "I love you and care for you because I receive validation knowing I add value to your life. I love you because I need to in order to feel right, safe, strong, worthy." This is where many of us find ourselves in our relationships with others.
3. I love you for your benefit. "I am selfless in that i am here for you; I am here to serve you." This seems to be the stated and understood ideal for our relationships. But, that's a LOT of pressure! This type of love can never truly exist.
4. I love me for your benefit. "I love me, work on me and build myself up so I can come to you from a position of wholeness, a position of fullness. I take care of me so you don't have to." Only when you're 'full' can you give your gifts, love, actions etc for others benefit. You are in charge of yourself and responsible for your well-being.
-"...Here's what is really selfish: sacrificing yourself for the sake of others while secretly needing them to validate and reciprocate your efforts in order to keep going. And narcissism is not focusing on yourself. Narcissism is needing others to focus on you" p. 202
-How do you focus on yourself without neglecting others (your children?). Look at the difference between an escape and a retreat. And escape is a "purely selfish act in the context of relationhips. Escape is an unplanned action... often done in haste." p. 203 A retreat is an intentional break from action "with the specific intent of regrouping and returning. In taking a retreat, you know where you are going and you know why you're going. You are retreating in order to benefit others as well as yourself." p. 203 So... "The less we take intentional retreats for ourselves, the more we will find ourselves unintentionally finding ways to escape." p. 204
CHAPTER TWELVE: Revolutionary relationships
-The author sums up the book by saying that we are trying to make conscience choices to take hold of our own emotional reactions and for our own growth as parents. We need to try and make conscience choices to curb our reactivity, calm our anxiety and respond according to our principles.
-Making any kind of change is difficult. Patterns are powerful because they provide stability, even if it's miserable.
Anyway, I've started reading mine and writing down a few notes. This is in NO means any kind of endorsement of the book I chose (I'm currently on page 8 and have no idea if I'll like it or would recommend it to anyone) but I thought it might be helpful to keep an outline and notes on paper (computer). And, since many of the 3 or so of you that read my blog also have children, I chose to write it here, instead of in a Word document. So... here goes.
Title: ScreamFree Parenting: Raising your kids by keeping your cool.
Author: Hal Edward Runkel, LMFT
SECTION ONE: Becoming the "Cool" Parent your kids really Need
-All about calming all of our reactive responses (screaming or disengaging) to anxiety about our kids and their choices.
-Focus more on yourself (parents) and less on the kids
CHAPTER ONE: Parenting is not about the kids, it's about the parents
"The greatest thing you can do for your kids is learn to focus on yourself" p.7
-Faulty relationship model -focusing on meeting other peoples needs. Question: Should you focus your energy on things you cannot control (others)? Q: Can you control your kids? And, even if you could, should you?
"Emotional reactivity is our worst enemy when it comes to having great relationships" p. 11
-The greatest thing we can do for our kids is concentrate on what we have control over -ourselves.
-"We have a far greater responsibility TO our children than we have FOR our children." p. 14 In other words, we are not responsible for our children's choices, but we have profound influence over them.
-'Screaming" in this book includes, screaming, manipulating, using violence, as well as neglecting, avoiding and even withholding love.
"I am responsible TO my children for how I relate with my children" p. 17
CHAPTER TWO: Growing up is hard to do, especially for grown-ups.
-Parenting is a hard job (duh). The anxiety we feel towards what kind of parents we are are and what are kids are becoming or doing is normal, and okay. "If we're really listening for the signals, then our anxiety about loved ones speaks of a live, growing passion, a deep concern and care for that person." p. 31
-Although anxiety is normal and okay, we need to recognize it and prevent ourselves from (over)reacting emotionally because of it. "Remember, emotional reactivity has the uncanny ability of helping to create the very outcome you're hoping to prevent." p.32
CHAPTER THREE: If you're not under control, then you cannot be in charge.
-You can't blame others (your children) for your emotions -or how you react to them. "Learning to be 'under control' means taking responsibility for your decisions before, during and after you make them... Your emotional responses are up to you. You always have a choice." p. 40
-"To be 'in charge' as a parent means inspiring your children to motivate themselves". p.42
-When you're 'screaming' at your kids, the message that you are sending is that you need them to calm you down, or that you need them to comply so you can calm down. That's a lot of pressure for a 4 or 14 year old to feel. However, in order to be in charge, you need to calm yourself down.
SECTION TWO: Keeping your cool means creating Space
-Next section talks about boundaries, "Your boundaries refer to your space and your place." p. 58 Space is your emotional and physical territory and Place is the limits of your freedom -as it bumps up against other people's space.
-"As parents, it is our responsibility to our children to create and maintain a family environment that encourages and honors this pace, for each person in the family." p. 59
CHAPTER FOUR: Begin with the end in mind, but let go of the final results.
-Although parents are the most powerful influence in the lives and children, they are also not responsible for the choices of their children. "We are not responsible for our children, we are responsible to them" p. 64
-The author asks to imagine your youngest child at the age of 25 and asks specific questions about their life, their family, their accomplishments and character. He also asks you to imagine yourself at that age and what your life will be like and the relationships you have with your children. "Thoughtful wishing" (a CS Lewis term) not so much wishful thinking. "By intentionally focusing on the outcome we desire for tomorrow, we encourage ourselves to take the most effective actions today" p. 68\
-Letting go of the final results does not mean giving up or not caring and trying, but creating an environment where your children make their own decisions and become 'self-directed' adults. So their choices are their own. It's not something you can do for your child, they have to do it themselves.
-In order for our children to become self directed adults, we need to first be one. And then calming our anxiety's about the choices they make, teaching them the principles of life and then letting them decide whether or not to accept and follow them.
CHAPTER FIVE: Kids need their room
-The author defines 'space' as the physical personal space as well as your emotional freedom to explore different feelings. It includes "our inner space for self-reflection, self-definition, and self-understanding". p.78
-In saying kids need their room, he is not saying children each need their own literal room in a home, but room in a physical and emotional space that kids need to fully become themselves. "Without space to learn their own likes and dislikes, without space to make their own mistakes, our kids continue to live a borrowed life and it leaves them with but two choices -fight against everyone's efforts to determine their life (the rebellious child) or simply defer to everyone around them (the passive, robotic child." p.80
-Many parents are against 'closed doors' -in a physical sense in their home. The author asks when is it okay to teach about privacy and recognize children need their own space. By teaching your daughter about personal space, it gives a model of how she should be treated. Encourage her to close her door and knock when you want to enter. Teach her that 'you should respect yourself', and offer respect to her first.
-You cannot tell your children how to feel (it's not respecting their space). "It's not your job to change the hearts of your children, telling them how to think and feel" p.84. This goes for helping them be happy all of the time, and wanting them to feel sad or remorseful if they've done something wrong.
-"What is always behind our invasion of their space is, of course, our own anxious reactivity." p.85
-8 Ways to Create Space for Your Children
1. Respect their space and privacy.
2. Calm your anxiety about their messy room.
3. Respect their choices. Give an allowance and let the child spend it any way they want to. Give them options (saving, [tithing] spending, investing, etc) but let them do with it what they choose.
4. Calm your anxiety by giving up your need to know how they feel. "This doesn't mean neglect any concern about their feelings...the less you need to know, the more they end up telling you."
5. Similarly, give up your need to know 'why'. "Asking any child, from toddler to teenager, to account for his motivation at the time of his mistake is a fruitless exercise... And your need to know is much about you than it is about him." p.90
6. Let them struggle.
7. Allow your kids to disagree with you and learn to respect their arguments.
8. Rarely look your kids in the eye when talking with them. "I know this sounds absurd and even heretical. Eye to eye conversations are incredibly intimate, however, and bring about high levels of vulnerability. Thus, these type of conversations lend themselves to patterns of intimidation and defensiveness." p.91
CHAPTER SIX: Resistance if futile; practice judo parenting
-"When children exert their will, most parents view it as a direct challenge to their authority." p. 97 A different way to think of these challenges (instead of battles) is, "in your child's developing growth, he is constantly testing you. In doing so, he is not plotting an invasion or laying an ambush. He, instead, is testing you to see if you can be trusted... so that he can see if you are dependable, stable, and consistent" p. 98
-The author talks about 'not picking up the gauntlet' when small challenges begin. And ask yourself, "How can I employ my child's desires for motivation, connection, and discipline?" p. 100 Examples:
*I'm bored. Instead of listing things to do, or reprimanding child for being bored or complaining about it, respond like, "Wow, you're bored? That stinks. I hate it when I'm bored. What are you going to do about it?" p. 101
*Are we there yet? "Wow, you're already asking that question? You must really not want to be in the car today" Show empathy. "Come to think about it, I don't want to be in the car either."
*I can't do my homework. Homework hovering -it's difficult for the hoverer to see is that the very act of hovering makes the problem worse. "Our children's homework is supposed to make them struggle. It is designed to be difficult for them. Calm yourself down, and let them struggle. Let them invite you alongside to help them through the struggle, but do not try to 'be there for them'. p. 103
*I hate you. A good question to ask yourself is, "What can I do differently to begin repairing this relationship? And how can I do it without losing my cool, getting reactive, and simply making things worse." p. 104. This is geared towards older kids, where this is more ongoing problem. There isn't any suggestions on kids that just yell this out during an argument.
*I don't wanna do it and I'm not gonna do it. Ask yourself, "Why do I take this personally when he asserts his will? Do I feel threatened? Is he out of my control. How far is he going to take this?" p. 105 "Emotional reactivity simply creates more emotional reactivity." I possible, let the situation alone for a few minutes and return to offer him a choice. He can ___ (come inside, clean room, eat dinner, etc) or face a consequence and it's totally his choice.
-Why should our children obey us? We should want them to do for themselves -not just to please us. To switch from the 'responsible for' model to the 'responsible to' model you have to ask yourself a few questions. "What motivates our children. What do they really want? What questions can I ask that will help them discover and explore those desires instead of picking up their gauntlets and going head-to-head." p. 107.
CHAPTER SEVEN: You are not a Prophet (and neither is Grandma)
-This chapter is about the language that we use as parents. Don't give your child labels -negative or positive. "Labels are among the most powerful forces that shape our relationship with the world." p.117 And, you cannot predict how your child will turn out based on physical, mental, or emotional characteristics. "Whenever we label our children, even in innocent recognition of certain characteristics, we severely limit their space. We risk crating a permanent handicap to their future development." p. 118
-Another example of this is the 'self-fulfilling prophecy'. "We love to categorize, compare and contrast. For some reason, it helps parents and our extended families feel as if we know our children... Because in our anxiety, we love to prophesy, to categorize, and to label. It helps us give some structure to our world. It helps us to feel involved, on top of things and capable of handling whatever unknowns lie around the corner." p.120
-"What you say about your kids is more important than what you say to them." p. 121 Parents need to the fight the urge to label our kids (even positive labels) which stunt their personal development. Allow them to create their own uniqueness. This definitely includes comparing them to siblings and not allowing others to categorize them.
-Change your vocabulary. Take out words like; 'always', 'never', 'all the time', and 'constantly'. You can replace them with, 'can be'.
-Expect your kids to surprise you. This doesn't mean you are naive about their limitations or becoming relaxed in the face of behavioral problems, but we must continually fight for their right to always change.
-Become an advocate for your Child's Evolution. Refuse to allow extended family to label your kids, constantly search for their best traits and choices.
-Leave your mom and dad. (don't rely on them for everything, including parenting advice).
-Know when to say when. Recognize that our need to label and categorize our kids is really OUR need to show ourselves and others where are kids really belong. They really belong to themselves and when "we pigeonhole them into a certain pattern of behavior, we limit their ultimate potential.
SECTION THREE: Keeping your cool means creating a Place
Space refers to our relationship with ourselves and Place refers to our relationship with others.
CHAPTER EIGHT: Parents set the table by setting the tone (and visa versa)
-"Stability and structure are necessary components in a healthy home." p. 138 Parents need to create clearly defined roles, a hierarchy in terms of authority and an understanding of choices available and the consequences to those choices. This is the business side of parenting -setting bedtimes, providing meals, routines, schedules, clothing, etc.
-How to keep the two sides of parenting separate and balanced. "As you learn to calm yourself, it is far easier to operate out of your principals." p. 140 If you're not acting like you need your children's compliance in order to feel like the leader or parent (by trying to give them their space), putting them in the place should not come across as an authoritarian power trip.
-Setting the table means focusing on yourself first. If a certain behavior is happening over and over again, it's easy to focus on the other person, but a pattern always involves more than one person. "If you're experiencing a pattern with your child, then guess what? Somehow you're contributing to the ongoing behavior." p. 142
-The author warns against 'friendship parenting'. In undermines the parents as a position of authority. "Once the parents begin looking to the children to fill any sort of emotional need, the children can no longer look to the parents for stability or guidance." p. 144
-"Your ability to calm yourself down, even while your children seemingly go out of control, is the best way to 'set the table'." p. 149
CHAPTER NINE: Let the consequences do the screaming
-"The more our children are exposed to the small consequences of their small infractions, the less they will have to commit large infractions and experience large consequences". p. 159 Look for natural and logical consequences.
-"How do you balance protecting your kids from life's dangers and yet exposing them to life's lessons?" p. 160 The answer changes with each child and each stage of life.
-"Calming ourselves down while we watch our children choose poorly is about as difficult as it gets. It's also our most important task if we are to retain any influence in our relationships with our kids.
CHAPTER TEN: Empty threats are really broken promises
-Communication (in general) consists of two parts, what get's said (actual words spoken or written) and what get's received (the entire message and it's effect on the relationship of those involved).
-Don't make empty threats or broken promises on anything. Ever. It
-Be consistent.
1. Don't ever set a consequence that is tougher for you to enforce than it is for them to endure.
2. There are no shortcuts to setting or enforcing consequences.
3. Only choose consequences you are willing to enforce. "What you do is not nearly as important as how and why." p. 176 What is your motivation (for said consequence)? If you're using a particular consequence and you don't want to, you are not acting with integrity.
4. Only choose consequences you are willing to endure yourself.
SECTION FOUR: Putting yourself into practice
ScreamFree parenting isn't about getting it right, or perfect, or even a set of specific techniques, it's about a constant journey of learning and growing.
CHAPTER ELEVEN: Put on your own oxygen mask first
-Author tells a story about a couple coming home from China with their new adopted baby. With 87 other sets of parents and babies! (Could you imagine that flight!)
-Take care of yourself, it isn't selfish or self-absorbed, and it doesn't mean you neglect the needs of others. "What would it really look like to love your kids as little as you love yourself?"
-Four levels of love, as described by a french monk, Bernard of Clairveaux, in "The Four Degrees (or Levels) of Love p. 195
1. I love me for my benefit. "I care for my interests alone and I am only interested in results that immediately and ultimately benefit me".
2. I love you for my benefit. "I love you and care for you because I receive validation knowing I add value to your life. I love you because I need to in order to feel right, safe, strong, worthy." This is where many of us find ourselves in our relationships with others.
3. I love you for your benefit. "I am selfless in that i am here for you; I am here to serve you." This seems to be the stated and understood ideal for our relationships. But, that's a LOT of pressure! This type of love can never truly exist.
4. I love me for your benefit. "I love me, work on me and build myself up so I can come to you from a position of wholeness, a position of fullness. I take care of me so you don't have to." Only when you're 'full' can you give your gifts, love, actions etc for others benefit. You are in charge of yourself and responsible for your well-being.
-"...Here's what is really selfish: sacrificing yourself for the sake of others while secretly needing them to validate and reciprocate your efforts in order to keep going. And narcissism is not focusing on yourself. Narcissism is needing others to focus on you" p. 202
-How do you focus on yourself without neglecting others (your children?). Look at the difference between an escape and a retreat. And escape is a "purely selfish act in the context of relationhips. Escape is an unplanned action... often done in haste." p. 203 A retreat is an intentional break from action "with the specific intent of regrouping and returning. In taking a retreat, you know where you are going and you know why you're going. You are retreating in order to benefit others as well as yourself." p. 203 So... "The less we take intentional retreats for ourselves, the more we will find ourselves unintentionally finding ways to escape." p. 204
CHAPTER TWELVE: Revolutionary relationships
-The author sums up the book by saying that we are trying to make conscience choices to take hold of our own emotional reactions and for our own growth as parents. We need to try and make conscience choices to curb our reactivity, calm our anxiety and respond according to our principles.
-Making any kind of change is difficult. Patterns are powerful because they provide stability, even if it's miserable.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Back in Utah
Between working on our New York vacation book and trying to keep the kids blogs updated I haven't had much time (or taken the time) to update the family one.
On Memorial Day we had a BBQ at the Hardcastles. I didn't take many pictures, but the little kids all seemed to enjoy themselves and the adults didn't do a bad job at it either.
The next Saturday we went to the Hardcastle Cabin. It was mostly a clean and fix things type of a day. I wanted to go to visit a bit and let the kids play up there. There was some serious home improvement going on, so we didn't visit a whole lot, but Hyrum and Kate loved playing up there.
After the cabin Jodi and my mom kept the kids for the next 24 hours and Justin and I saw, not one, but TWO movies. (I guess we take advantage of the time a bit more now). We also went to church and heard everything that was said. It was a little weird, but we might actually enjoy church again in another 20 years or so. Something to look forward to.
T-ball is officially over. I'm not too sad. Hyrum liked going... until we got there. He had a hard time staying in the field, focusing, and wanting to play baseball instead of on the rocks or the playground. I won't miss the hour long drives to Herriman and fighting with Kate by myself for an hour, but it was fun for the kids to see the Lafeen's so often. And, he sure liked that he was a Red Sox for a few months.
We've been to the zoo, Wheeler Farm, parks, friends houses and I finally got a little pool for the backyard, a petting zoo type thing at one of the libraries...pretty typical summer stuff.
Our family made a big change this last month -we didn't renew our Golds membership that I've had since moving to Salt Lake. We bought a family membership to the county recreation centers -there are a couple of places pretty close that has a fitness gym and daycare, and this way we can take the kids to the pool whenever we want. So far, so good.
I think that's all for now. We have Father's Day, a camping trip, and a quick trip for me to Phoenix and drive back to Utah with my friend, Kathy later on in the month, so hopefully I'll update more then.
On Memorial Day we had a BBQ at the Hardcastles. I didn't take many pictures, but the little kids all seemed to enjoy themselves and the adults didn't do a bad job at it either.
 |
| This was actually a week after the BBQ, but Justin was working on his giant bubbles then too. |
The next Saturday we went to the Hardcastle Cabin. It was mostly a clean and fix things type of a day. I wanted to go to visit a bit and let the kids play up there. There was some serious home improvement going on, so we didn't visit a whole lot, but Hyrum and Kate loved playing up there.
After the cabin Jodi and my mom kept the kids for the next 24 hours and Justin and I saw, not one, but TWO movies. (I guess we take advantage of the time a bit more now). We also went to church and heard everything that was said. It was a little weird, but we might actually enjoy church again in another 20 years or so. Something to look forward to.
 |
| With Aunt Jodi. She might not be ready to give up the baby title quite yet. |
T-ball is officially over. I'm not too sad. Hyrum liked going... until we got there. He had a hard time staying in the field, focusing, and wanting to play baseball instead of on the rocks or the playground. I won't miss the hour long drives to Herriman and fighting with Kate by myself for an hour, but it was fun for the kids to see the Lafeen's so often. And, he sure liked that he was a Red Sox for a few months.
 |
| On the way home from a game |
We've been to the zoo, Wheeler Farm, parks, friends houses and I finally got a little pool for the backyard, a petting zoo type thing at one of the libraries...pretty typical summer stuff.
 |
| "Take a picture of me, mom!" |
Our family made a big change this last month -we didn't renew our Golds membership that I've had since moving to Salt Lake. We bought a family membership to the county recreation centers -there are a couple of places pretty close that has a fitness gym and daycare, and this way we can take the kids to the pool whenever we want. So far, so good.
I think that's all for now. We have Father's Day, a camping trip, and a quick trip for me to Phoenix and drive back to Utah with my friend, Kathy later on in the month, so hopefully I'll update more then.
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