Sabotage

When I was pregnant with the Little Man there were a few things that I couldn't/didn't eat that I was DYING to have as soon as he was born.



One was a giant diet coke. With the good ice. Mmmm.... just thinking about it made (makes) my mouth water. In fact, I had a friend of mine promise that she would bring me that Diet Coke when she came to see me and the baby in the hospital.



She brought be two cans of diet coke.



And I didn't drink either of them. I'm not sure why. I think part of it was that I didn't want to hurt my chances with breastfeeding (genetics did that enough for me). But, I think when you go so long without something -even if you want it, you're afraid to have it again. Or, maybe that it won't taste as good as you think it will.



I eventually had a diet coke. I have one every couple of months or so, and it's always delicious.



(This is going to seem off-topic, but just stay with me)



Back in my other life (when I worked) we used to notice a strange phenomenon when working with the kids we worked with.



Many times when something was going to change -even it was for the good, they would do something to sabotage it. If they were finally getting out of custody -something the claimed had been their one and only wish in life - they'd mess it up and the judge wouldn't release them. If they were going to start having visits with family members -that they'd been hoping for forever- they'd mess it up and get put in some kind of lock down facility. If they were going to get their drivers license (something very few kids in foster care get) they'd get pulled over a week before driving illegally and blow their chance.



There are a million other scenarios on how that would all play out.



(Here's where it ties all together, okay?)



So... I'm about a pound away from losing 30 pounds on this diet. (The HCG diet, for those that have been wondering).



30 pounds in 40 days. Not bad.



It's been really, really hard. Somedays it's not so bad, but their have been times where it's been almost more than I can bear. 500 calories a day with now carbs or sugar (or most other items of food) can do that to you.



I didn't even realize until this afternoon that yesterday was supposed to be my last day taking the hormone. You stay on the 500 calorie diet 3 days after you stop taking the HCG. And then you're done. You're supposed to stay within 1000 calories and still no sugar and starch for another 3 weeks, but the actual diet is done.



I'm pretty nervous. This was weight that I really needed to lose. And I was able to do it pretty quickly. Now I'm scared that I'll gain half of it back in a month. (Or worse).



My friend who introduced me to the diet said she 'screwed up' the weekend before she was going to go off of the drops and so she stayed on it for an additional week. I think if I had realized how close I was to finishing I would have done the same.



I've spent almost 6 weeks literally dreaming of food. Every commercial that comes on TV, every restaurant that I pass on the street I want to stop and eat. I've been waiting for this day -a day when I can eat real food again, and I don't want to.

(Sorry there's no pictures, mom. Go and look at the Little Man's blog)