Why can't I have it all?

It could be pregnancy hormones, fear of change, a feeling of time running out, or maybe the sense of hopelessness that sometimes accompanies the current economic and political scene... but I'm feeling quite introspective today.

I've been feeling quite anxious over the last few weeks with getting everything 'done' at work before I leave. The thing is, nothing is ever 'done' here... as soon as we do something, we have to turn around a month, 3 months or 6 months later and do it again.

I don't normally talk about work (other than office related stuff). I work with kids in foster care, so a lot of things that we do and deal with don't really transfer to funny and interesting blog posts.

I have worked with some of 'my kids' for 4 years, and it's been a little weird to think about someone else being their caseworker, and me not being apart of their life anymore. I went to a school meeting yesterday for one of my kids and we started talking about what his life will be like after he is 22 (still 8 years away, but a significant age for people with disabilities). It's usually not a great picture... what some of these kids lives will really be like when they are no longer in states custody. There is unfortunately too big of a gap between need and services available to fill that need for many people -kids and adults alike.

I am very much looking forward to the time where I won't be working (at least in this capacity) anymore. There can be quite a bit of stress, frustration, and even boredom with this job. I'm sure that I will continue working with the welfare system, or people with disabilities in some form for most of my life, I guess it's just part of who I am now. Although, I know that I will also find fulfillment in working with my own children and family, and welcome the change.

Many times I think some of our kids are too jaded to care about their caseworkers, and they have had so many, it won't mean much when I leave. But, today I got an email from a professional who works with one of my clients who I have already had to transfer to a coworker.

For whatever reason, I've always had a soft spot for this particular kid, and I guess he was getting down on himself today and said the only person he can think of in his life that cares about him was me. He wanted to say that he would miss me and hopes I will have fun with my new baby. And that he was going to work hard and invite me to his graduation. It actually brought a tear to my eye.

I think that as social workers, we can get wrapped up into our own little world, and worry about attending meetings, completing assessments, checking items off on our to-do list list and talking about policy, programs, and paperwork. But, at the end of the day, we're working with people, and the decisions that we make affect them in ways that they will never affect me -as the professional.

I suppose it's nice to be taken out of the 'daily grind' every now and then to be reminded of that.

If your heart did not break now and then... how would you know it was there?
~Bette Bao Lord