The end to a very long week

How can you miss something that you never really had?
Today I found out. You can miss that thing very, very much.

I got the results of a test this morning that I had been waiting for since Wednesday. The waiting was killing me, but I found myself not wanting to hear the results, because I was pretty sure I already knew them.

I found out on Tuesday that Justin and I were expecting a baby. I was over-joyed and surprised that it had happened so quickly. I expected this week to be very long and slow-moving because I wanted to surprise him on Christmas morning with a baby nightie and to tell him were going to be parents next year.

Instead, he came home from work on Wednesday to a very distraught wife who told him, 'Honey, we're pregnant. And, I might be having a miscarriage.' It didn't go the way I had planned, to say the least.

So, after 22 hours of bliss, I've had to wait these last 4 days not knowing whether or not my body wanted to keep this pregnancy. At least I had those 22 hours... Justin wasn't even that lucky this time around.

Yes, I know there are good things that have come out of this. At least we know I can get pregnant, (and rather quickly, I might add) and this is a very common thing to happen to women. I know I'll be okay. I know that we'll try again. And I know this is a natural process the body sometimes needs to go through when things aren't going well at the beginning.

None of that matters very much right now though.

I still miss that baby that I never really had, very, very much.